Saints at Rest

A horrific science fiction short story about memory, grief, and the price of enlightenment.

This planet I'm on, Vixia Prime, is a memory eater. It eats your memories, one by one, until it's turned you into a shell. And being a shell is an awful existence. I don't want to be a shell anymore, but I don't want to die either. Not without knowing what I'm giving up on.

I search through everything I've brought with me to this planet, desperate to find something that will remind me of who I am. Underneath my pillow, I find your picture, Anne. You’re young. Pretty. You have black hair, hazel eyes, and a friendly smile. On the back of the picture, I've written your name. Anne. Your wife Anne.

"I love you, Anne," I say.

I stare at your picture until a half-formed memory emerges from my clouded-over brain.

We’re together in the kitchen of a small apartment. Paint is peeling off the apartment’s walls. Neon light shines through the windows. Down the hallway, a baby cries.

“Nikolai came by this morning, asking about the rent again,” you tell me. “If we don’t pay him what we owe him by the end of the month, he’s said he’s evicting us. He said he’s run out of patience. I don’t know what we’re going to do.”

"We'll figure it out," I say. "We always do. I’ll find another job, or you’ll find another job."

You lean forward and kiss me. Remembering your kiss again, I'm overwhelmed with emotion, and I begin to cry.

Sebastian walks past my tent, on his way to the fire, the snow crunching underneath his boots. It must be morning already. Soon, the sun will rise soon, and we'll continue exploring the planet.

I've stopped crying, I realize. I can't remember what I'd been crying about anymore. My mind has emptied out, turning me back into a shell. I pray what Sebastian tells me is true—that this memory loss is temporary. That as soon as I leave this planet, all my memories will return.

---

I leave my tent and join Sebastian at the fire. He sits on a metallic folding chair, looking out at the snow. He’s unnaturally tall. He has short, red hair and thin, curved lips. His eyes are like two black holes in his face. I remember that he's a synthetic. His brain is a computer. Because of this, his memories are unaffected by Vixia Prime. He's spared the pain of forgetting who he is. He’s the one person on this planet still able to remember our purpose.

"Good morning, Amir," he says. "Did you sleep well?"

"The nightmares kept me up again," I say.

"Have they been getting worse?"

"Much worse."

“Describe them for you.”

"I was in a lab, I think. People in white coats were watching me through a wall of glass, talking about me, studying me. What are we doing here, again?"

“You work as a biologist for the Etherworld Exploration Company. You agreed to travel to Vixia Prime to help us collect biological samples."

“There’s life on this planet?”

“There’s lots of life here.”

I sit, too, and warm my hands over the fire.

"How long has it been since we left Earth?" I ask Sebastian.

"Forty-one days."

"And when will we return?"

"In another twelve days."

The number reassures me. A number is an end.

Another person joins us at the fire. He's a tall, square-faced man, with cracked lips and blood-shot eyes. He sits next to me, takes a journal from his coat pocket, and starts flipping through its pages.

"Good morning, Caleb," Sebastian says.

"Good morning," the man replies. "What's the date today?"

"October second."

"Strange. Shouldn't it be the fourteenth? You’re sure it’s the second?"

“I’m sure. You must have counted wrong. Lost track of the days and counted them twice."

"I must have."

Caleb closes his journal and smiles, but his smile seems forced and unnatural. Sebastian hands us each a bowl filled with some kind of broth and then tells us to eat. As soon as I smell the broth, I realize I'm starving. I bring the bowl to my lips and slurp up everything inside of it. The broth tastes good, but there’s a chemical aftertaste that lingers on my tongue.

"Last night, Ethercorp sent me the coordinates for a new location to gather samples," Sebastian tells us. "We'll need to leave soon if we want to make it back to our camp by sundown."

“Do you know what kind of samples we’ll be gathering?” I ask him.

“I won’t know until we reach out destination,” he says.

It’s Sebastian’s fourth expedition to the planet. For him, everything is routine. We get dressed, we eat, we explore. The routine keeps us alive, he says. On this planet, the most important thing for our safety is to be predictable.

Caleb and I finish eating and then we put on our backpacks and follow Sebastian out into the blowing snow. Soon, our camp vanishes behind a veil of snow. I follow Sebastian blindly, trusting that he knows the way and that he’ll do his best to keep me safe.

The wind howls in my ears. Occasionally, inside the howling, I hear whispers like the planet is talking to me. It whispers my name and the names of all the other people who’ve been here. It whispers all our lost memories.

Did I just think that myself? Or did someone else tell me that story? It doesn’t matter.

How long have I been walking for? I can’t remember if I’ve been walking for minutes or hours. I stare at my feet and count each step I take. One hundred. Two hundred. Three hundred steps.

It’s hard walking in the snow. The snow drags at my legs. Each step I take is a battle against this planet’s suffocating embrace. I stop to rest.

"It's not much farther," Sebastian tells me. "We're almost there. We need to keep walking."

I picture you, Anne, waiting for me in the snow. Waiting for me wherever we’re going. I’m sure I had a good reason for leaving you. I wish I could remember the reason. If I remembered, this would all be so much easier.

"I found something!" Caleb shouts.

I walk towards his voice. I find him standing next to a mound of snow. Protruding from the mound are eight blood-caked fingers.

"I think someone's buried here," he says.

I help him brush the snow away. Beneath the powered snow is a headless, human corpse. A female, stripped of her clothes, her skin preserved in ice.

"Who is this?" Caleb asks.

"I don’t know," I say.

"Was it only the three of us who came to this planet?" Caleb asks Sebastian.

"It's only ever been us three," Sebastian says.

I believe him. I need to believe him. If I don’t, my entire world falls apart. Even the thought that he’s lying fills me with terror.

Sebastian urges us forward. We leave the woman’s body lying on the snow. The snow keeps falling on top of her, burying her again. Another memory lost to this horrible planet.

---

I wake up from a nightmare with a scream caught in my throat. My clothes are soaked with sweat. Outside, the wind howls, whispering names.

It takes me a moment to remember where I am—Vixia Prime. An expedition. Something about gathering biological materials. Knowing I have a purpose comforts me, but then the fear of not knowing who I am sets in.

I search my tent, desperate to find something to remind me of who I am again. I find your picture underneath my pillow, Anne, and I stare at your face, trying to remember you, reassuring myself that there is someone out in the universe who still loves me, who still thinks about me, who still cares about.

I remember us in the hospital, you holding a crying baby in your arms. Our daughter. Sarah, was it? Jessica? Why can’t I remember her name anymore?

It doesn’t matter. Names don’t matter. I’ll be home soon. I’ll see you both again. We’ll be happy, reunited. The thought warms my body.

I hear someone walking toward the fire. It must be morning already. One day closer to being able to leave this horrible planet forever.

I leave my tent and walk to the fire. I don't see Sebastian there, only Caleb, reading through the pages of his journal.

"Look at this," he says.

"What?"

He shows me the page he’s looking at. On the page is a list of eight names. Underneath each crossed out name is a vision. An endless tunnel of light; discussions with deceased relatives; the future and past collapsing into a single, instantaneous moment. The list went on.

“While I was walking here, I heard Sebastian talking on the radio in his tent.”

“To Ethercorp?”

Caleb nods. “They weren’t talking about coordinates, though, or biological samples. They were talking about us and our nightmares. Then I heard other names, too. Other nightmares. Other visions. I wrote them all the other names down. Do you remember any of these people?”

"No.”

"I think Sebastian is lying to us. I don’t think we’re on Vixia Prime, exploring. I think they’re studying the planet. Seeing how much of us it’s able to take from us. How much of us is still left when it’s done."

"Why would Sebastian and Ethercorp lie to us?"

“I’m not sure.”

Sebastian appears behind us. The sight of him suddenly fills me with dread. Caleb and I stop talking. Caleb shoves his list of names into his pocket. Sebastian doesn’t seem to notice. I wonder if the conversation Caleb overheard was real or just another nightmare.

"Ethercorp sent me the coordinates for a new location," Sebastian says. "We'll need to leave soon if we want to make it back to camp by sundown."

He gives Caleb and I our bowl of broth. I eat mine, but Caleb hesitates.

“I don’t feel well. My legs are aching. Can I stay at camp today while you and Amir go out?” he asks.

“I’m afraid that’s not possible,” Sebastian says.

“Why not?”

“You’re safe without me here. But you’ll be fine.”

“I don’t know how far I’ll be able to walk.”

“You’ll be fine.”

Sebastian’s black eyes show no emotion but, still, his words feel like a threat. Caleb drinks his both, too, and then we put on our backpacks and follow Sebastian out into the snow, obediently disappearing with him into the endless white void.

Soon, I hear the wind whispering memories in my ears.

The crack of the bat echoed through Fenway Park as I looked up at the evening sun, holding my father’s hand.

Why would this planet speak to me about Boston? What does it know about fathers and sons? Nothing here makes sense. Nothing here could ever make sense.

“Amir!”

It’s Caleb’s voice. He’s shouting for help. How long has he been trying to get my attention?

I look back and see him crawling towards me. He's lost his gloves. The cold his eaten away at his hands, turning them black with frostbite.

"I can’t feel my hands anymore,” he says.

“I’m sorry,” I tell him. “I didn’t hear you. We need to find Sebastian. We need to get you back to camp.”

I shout Sebastian’s name. Suddenly, he’s standing beside us. He sits next to Caleb and pulls him up onto his lap. He’s not comforting Caleb, though. His actions are as cold and inhuman as they always are. He has no heart, just like he has no brain. Inside him are just wires and circuity.

“Tell me what you see,” Sebastian says.

“Angels,” Caleb tells him. “The sky is full of them.”

“What do these angels look like?”

“They’re very white. Even whiter than the snow. They have white wings. They’re wearing long, white dresses.”

“Can you hear them talking?”

"Yes, and they’re talking. They say who we are is not important. Life is just the will to move forward. Once our will is gone, so are we. They want to take me with them. Can I go?”

“Of course you can.”

Caleb smiles. His pupils dilate. Sebastian raises his arm and speaks into his wrist. "Subject 7 has reached an optimal neural state."

He pulls a needle from his jacket and injects a bluish fluid into Caleb’s arm. Caleb’s body goes limp. Sebastian checks Caleb’s pulse and then removes Caleb’s head with a reciprocating saw. I watch the red blood splatter across the snow, too scared to move, too scared to even speak.

---

I wake from another nightmare. I’m not sure if my memory of Sebastian cutting off Clabe’s head was real or just another awful dream.

I turn on my flashlight and look at myself. I slept in my thermal jacket and pants. My clothes are splattered with blood. Maybe something has happened, after all? Or maybe I’ve been injured.

I strip naked and look at my body. I don’t see any wounds, but I'm shocked by how skinny I've become—like a skeleton wrapped in skin. I didn’t look like this before. I step out of the shower, stand in front of the bathroom mirror and start brushing my teeth. You walk up behind me, Anne, hug me and kiss the side of my face.

We were poor, but we had a happy life together, didn’t we? Weren’t we in love? Aren’t we still in love? Please don’t tell me that you hate me now. Please don’t tell me that I’m hear because I lost everything.

The thought is terrifying. The thought is too much for me right now. I start to get dressed—to get ready for the day—but then I remember something else. An office. You’re sitting next to me, crying, as I sign a paper. "It's for Sophia," I tell you. "For her future. Don’t worry, everything will be fine."

Sophia. Our daughter's name is Sophia. I like the name.

I finish putting my clothes back on, and then I walk to the fire. Sebastian is there already, my bowl of broth in his hands.

"Did you sleep well?" he asks me, ignoring the blood stains on my clothes.

"No. I kept having nightmare.”

“What did you dream about?”

“My wife, mostly. I’m married, aren’t I? I have a wife and a daughter?”

“You still remember that?”

“I do. Tell me, why did I leave them?”

“You didn’t leave them. You just went away for a while. Three months. You’ll be going home soon. Your work here is almost done.”

He hands me the broth. I put the bowl to my lips and drink. Maybe he’s right. Maybe it’s always just been me and him here on this planet. Nothing else is real.

"How long until we return to Earth?" I ask him.

"Just two more days now," he says. “It’s almost over. I want you to know, Amir, you’ve done a very good job here. I’m very impressed with you."

“Thank you.”

It’s strange to hear him compliment me. I don’t think he’s ever complimented me before. I finish eating, put on my backpack, and then follow him out into the blowing snow. My legs hurt so much that I can barely walk. I think of you, though, Anne—you and Sophia—waiting for me at home, and I force myself to keep walking forward. Just two more days and it will all be over.

I’m sure there’s a reason for all of this. I’m sure. Just two more days and I’ll be home.

My legs can’t hold my body up anymore. They give out underneath me, and I fall to the ground.

"Get up," Sebastian says.

"I can't. My legs don’t work anymore."

"You can."

He takes my hand and helps me to my feet. He's not Sebastian anymore, though. He's become you, Anne.

"What are you doing here?" I ask you.

"I’ve been looking for you. I missed you so much."

"I missed you so much, too. Is it time to go home now?"

"Yes. You just need to follow me.

You run away from me, disappearing. I run after you, screaming your name, terrified I’m going to lose you again, but then my legs don’t, and I fall to the snow.

"Anne! Anne! Come back to me!"

Sebastian is standing over me. He sits and places his hand on my chest. I look up into his face. His eyes, like two black holes, staring down at me. Empty and unsympathetic. An extension of whoever sent me here.

“Tell me what you see,” he says.

“Please, Sebastian, I don’t want to die—not like this. Just let me go home and see my family one last time.”

“Tell me what you see.” He repeats. He doesn’t care about me.

I look past his face, up at the sky, but I don’t see anything except the snow. Then I realize, though, that I’ve left myself. I’m floating above my body now, slowly Floating up into the sky. I have no control where I’m going. I’m just moving upwards. Up and up through the snow and into outer space, past the stars and the planets, farther and farther away. I wonder what I am now, but then I realize I've become the universe itself. Me, Anne, and Sophia, all together as one again.

---

Dr. Lambert sets a jar down on his desk. Inside the jar, Amir's brain floats in blue-tinted liquid.

"Did he suffer much?" Anne asks, her voice barely a whisper.

"Not at all," Dr. Lambert says. "Most of us can only hope to feel as much happiness in death as your husband did."

Anne moves closer to the jar. She stares at Amir's brain, both intrigued and disgusted by the sight of it.

"You're certain he experienced this enlightenment?" Anne asks. "Not just pain and terror?"

"We monitored his brain activity right until the very end," Dr. Lambert says, pulling up a series of scans on his tablet. "The final readings showed intense activity in the pleasure centers. Every subject who dies on Vixia Prime experiences the same sense of peace and happiness. Nirvana, the Buddhists call it."

"The planet's atmosphere has a strong, dissociative effect on the human brain," Dr. Lambert continues. "The experience can be horrific at times but, eventually, everyone who travels to Vixia Prime reaches this state of pure, enlightened bliss. Your husband's sacrifice will do much to help us understand how Vixia Prime creates this blissful tranquility in humans. Our hope is that if we can chemically reproduce the effect on Earth, we can use it to treat depression and a variety of other mental illnesses. Nirvana in a pill."

Dr. Lambert smiles but then quickly composes himself. He hands Anne a check. Even with her and Amir's debts removed, the amount is very large. Large enough to change her and her daughter's lives forever.

"You promised us the risks were minimal,” Anne says.

"The contract was clear, Mrs. Farzan. Your husband would spend ninety days on Vixia Prime. If he survived, he’d return to Earth. Unfortunately, the planet got the best of him, but I think your compensation is more than generous."

Anne stares at him coldly. "And how many have survived? How many have returned?"

Dr. Lambert turns to avoid her gaze. "Death is not a certainty, only another step forward. Each step takes us one step closer to understanding exactly how Vixia Prime changes the human brain. The data we extracted from your husband's brain will be particularly valuable."

Anne begins to feel ill. She leaves Dr. Lambert’s office and then takes the train home to her apartment in the government housing projects. She'd asked her sister to babysit while she was gone. Her daughter is crying, and her sister is struggling to calm her. She picks her daughter up, kisses her and, as soon as she stops crying, puts her back in her crib.

"I talked to your father today," she tells her, her voice cracking. "He's still in space, still very far away from us, but he wanted me to tell you that he loves you and misses you very much."

She tries to picture Amir's face, but all she can see is his brain floating inside that jar. A lab specimen.

She leaves her daughter's room and sends her sister home. She pours herself a glass of wine, sits next to the window, and looks up at the sky and all the brightly shining stars. She wonders if Amir is up there somewhere too, watching over her.

She lights a candle and places it on the windowsill.

"Amir?" she asks. "Can you hear me? Are you still there?”

In the other room, Sophia starts crying again.

"I'll tell her about you," Anne whispers to the stars. "I’ll make sure she knows everything you did for her. For us."

The stars shimmer, their light pulsing like heartbeats. Suddenly, the candle's flame begins to flicker. Anne takes that as a sign. She feels a profound sense of peace wash over her, as if Amir's consciousness has reached out across the universe to forgive her. Leaving the candle burning, she goes to Sophia’s room and rocks her back to sleep.